Articles
Post Samoa Blues
This afternoon I was driving from my sisters house to my parents house, and I was suddenly randomly struck with a powerful bought of homesickness for Samoa.
Suddenly I missed my big goofy friend Jona, and my crazy dog Mia, and my wonderful auntie Pisa, and my difficult boss at EPC, and the weather (which should be amazing right about now), and Vailima, and my sweet little house that was falling down around me, and all of my PC friends and our way of life. It was insanely powerful.
Whenever those moments come I have to wonder, “Why now?”
I have a really charmed life. Max and I are living this crazy “young and fancy free” life. We have just enough responsibility to live on but not enough to tie us down. We have a great dog and amazingly supportive family. I have work I like, and I get to be back in school. So why haven’t these bouts of sadness and longing for a place that will never be the same for me again, gone away?
At this point if I had to guess I would guess it had a lot more to do with the social aspect of my life. Samoa was a very small place. I had a lot of local friends whom I could drop in on (or who often dropped in on me) to share a beer, or lunch, or just pass a few hours kafauing on the third floor balcony of the Pacifika Inn. Here I have Max and I have my sister and the rest of my family. But I don’t have many friends close by. Most of my friends are down in the south bay and due to time and distance it is difficult to get down to see them much, and they don’t often venture into my neck of the woods. I would guess that my sadness comes from a lack of feeling connected to the people around me. In Samoa I was very connected. Not just to my “friends”, because technically in Samoa everyone was my friend. The elevator guy in my building, the bus driver, and all the ladies at the café were my “aunties”.
Here I am surrounded by people, in school, at client’s homes, and even at my café here. But none of it feels “friendly” in the same way. I think at first I had hoped that was just a function of time. Once I had hung around enough people would get used to me and it would get better. But I’m not sure that is true. We’ll see.
I am not sure what I am going to do about this. I clearly lack a daily social life. Max and my sister (wonderful tho they are) are not enough to make a well rounded social experience. Which would mean making some friends who are closer to me geographically, and that I shared some current interests with. Co-workers or other students for instance. I could join a few of the clubs at school. Maybe the Pacific Islander club and see if I could meet some local Samoans, maybe wiggle myself and invite to To’onai one of these Sundays. Or I could just keep in touch with some of my classmates who have expressed an interest in friendship. I made a few friends last semester but I am so much older than most of my peers that it feels… awkward. I need to remember that many of my PC friends were younger and I love them.
Deep down this whole thing reeks of a lack of connection to “community”, whatever that is.
I know I had it. That connection. And that I don’t now. And I am not sure how to go about getting it back. Gah… I am open to wise (and silly) opinions if anyone has any.
I think this may be the end….
So my dear readers…
As this is the first entry of this month I feel justified in addressing you directly.
Let’s face it, this medium is not… well it is no longer working for me.
It was device of an adventure. An adventure that I am truly grateful to have had.
But I think that Wackyfish may have outlived it’s usefulness.
At least for me anyway. I am not going to get rid of it or take it down… I am just… going to stop worrying about updating it.
I may from time to time update. But you regular readers should look for me elsewhere on the web (if you are really interested, e-mail me and I will point you in the right direction).
And with that I have to say, Thank you all so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed my writing.
Tofa Soifua!
In an effort to avoid doing homework I may as well update this.
I no longer maintain a daily routine of journaling. I used to and it used to be my main vehicle for processing the world around me. Writing was very much my own form of therapy. It seems I rarely write anymore.
Why is that?
Well I started school. Which seems to eat up a huge chunk of time and energy. As it should I guess. And my best friend is back in town for a few days and he is always a big distraction. (Not on purpose I’m sure.)
Or also maybe because I didn’t want to stress myself out with one more “thing I had to do” so I just let myself fall out of the habit. Maybe I should make the space for writing in my life again.
Oh did I mention that I start working on Monday. I have a care giving job. There are some huge down sides to the gig, such as it is in Mill Valley and I don’t really want to commute. Plus the administrative assistant woman at this company continues to be a pain in my ass and I can’t seem to shake her. I should have been more assertive with her. But.. I will likely end up loving the clients. It is an elderly couple who need some care in their home several hours a day. And I really dig most old people. So that is big news.
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Antics at the Peterson household…
We love jokes in this house. Love love love them!
Puns, clever and whitty jokes, bad jokes, and even… the practical joke.
In fact I am famous (in my household) for the “rubber band on the dish sprayer” joke. It’s always a crowd pleaser. Unless of course you have to be the wet victim… then I hear it’s not so funny.
Tonight however it is my father who gets the “Best practical joke” award.
Several weeks ago my father installed a fancy under-the-counter Stereo thing in the Kitchen for my mother. We love it. It has a radio with all these pre-sets, a CD player and a clock. Plus in the location he installed it, it gets great reception. KQED comes in perfectly.
Earlier this evening my parents and I were in the kitchen getting dinner ready. At some point my mother asked “Why aren’t we listening to NPR?” (I don’t spend any time in the kitchen really without NPR.) So I said something like “They have been telecasting the Alito hearings all day, and it just depressed me to keep listening to them, so I turned it off.” “Well they should be over now. Let’s see!” she piped up.
She turned on the brand new fancy radio and tried to find KQED (88.5 FM in case you were wondering). It is set as the first pre-set station. However whenever she hit the pre-set button, it would skip to the next station or switch to the AM band or maybe just turn itself off all together. After a minute I went over to help her and we both began frantically hitting buttons and trying to figure out WHY we couldn’t get it to work. This frantic button pushing and wacky maneuvering went on for about five minutes before we noticed my father giggling behind us.
It turns out he had the fancy remote… and was messing with us the whole time. (We had forgotten all about the fancy remote. It has a magnet on it and is kept on the refrigerator. He had subtly grabbed it and every time we pushed one button, he would push another.)
I would be upset, but I was laughing too hard.
What would you do?
I just had my first job interview since returning home.
It was with an organization that provides in home care for people with disabilities. I met with the owner of the company and her office assistant. The owner was a very nice woman who has been an RN for about 30 years. She is an SF native and we talked for about 2 hours about nursing, hospice, healthcare, spirituality, and San Francisco. It seemed like more of a visit than an interview.
I really like her. We connected in a very…comfortable way.
She offered me a job (provided my background stuff checks out).
Then her office assistant told me I would need to take out my nose ring. She also made several disparaging comments on my hair.
She went on about how, the company has many older patients and we needed to respect them by living by their “professional” standards. I just stood their dumbfounded.
The whole conversation left a real bad taste in my mouth.
I am not sure I’m willing to take out my nose ring. I lived without it for several years in order to better fit into a corporate environment. I hated it. I really like the way my face looks with my nose ring and I recognize myself in a mirror when I see it. It is a big part of how I see myself.
Do I pass this gig up because of it?
Do I compromise and remove the ring or maybe get a small stud or something?
How am I going to handle this?
It is the first offer I have gotten… there could be others.
What would you do?
It's still big but not so easy anymore...
I just got home.
New Orleans is defiantly a site to see. I meant to write all about it, but got too caught up seeing it. I guess that is how those sort of things go.
In other news…
I have a dog of my own. (again)
Pictures of Cobain and I coming soon.
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Here....Now
I think I finally feel moved in.
Yesterday I got a bookshelf, an old dresser of mine and a few other things from Max. I was able to unpack some of my favorite clothing, and some of my books. I don’t know why but I never really feel like I am home unless I have my book (at least some of them) around me. I blame my mother. I put one of my old down comforters on my bed (with the purple duvet I loved.) And I hung an old Parkes print that Sylvan had framed for me years ago. I think it finally feels like I live here.
I still have a few things to conquer. My mothers crazy food issues (that become my food issues.) My inability to yoga every day like I want to. And of course my fear of saying goodbye (again) to my best friend, going back to school, and getting a job. But overall I am really happy to be here. I figured I would be less happy and more “readjustment crisis”y at this point. I mean I still have trouble shopping, watching regular TV, or going places with too many people (specifically Malls or large retail places like Costco), but honestly I am beginning to think that all those things… are completely avoidable.
Ok, I had better get going, this lingering morning spent writing (on my laptop while in bed) is just about over. There are lots of things o get done, no matter how comfortable I am in this moment.
I did something….
I had a productive morning.
I got in contact with my references. Wrote a few cover letters. Sent off three job applications. And completely failed to convince Salvation Army to take some sold furniture off my hands.
Maybe this time next week, I’ll have a job.
Cross your fingers for me.
The space age tooth brush
My mother is very enthusiastic about dental hygiene.
She is a health educator by trade so it makes good sense that she would find the latest dental technology exciting. So (while it was a bit odd) it was not surprising that she presented me with a brand new tooth brush, not 30 minutes after I arrived home from Samoa. Her excitement was palpable as explained the new feature of separated brush head that could flex around our teeth and some thing else I really don’t remember. I admit… I sort of tuned it out I am not nearly as enthusiastic about dental technology. I figured she was just being quirky and decided to smile and nod and find the whole experience endearing. She is after all my mother and I love her dearly.
The next morning as went to use said new tooth brush I noticed two small buttons on the handle. One had a plus and the other a minus. I touched the button with the plus and my tooth brush began to vibrate. To which I immediately thought to myself “ROCK! This is a cool toothbrush! No wonder mom was so excited.” At the time I took it as a nice reminder that my mother is often smarter than I give her credit for.
Several weeks of happy tooth brushing went by for me (and continue to this day, I might add.) Then one day several weeks ago as I was preparing to leave the house, I walked into my mothers room while brushing my teeth with my neato vibrating toothbrush. After a few minutes, she looked at me and said “what have you got in your mouth that is making that noise?” To which I pulled my neato tooth brush out of my mouth and said, “The fancy tooth brush you gave me. Remember?”
I think her draw dropped to the floor and she said in a shocked voice “It Vibrates?”
Which lead us to the hilarious discovery that she didn’t actually know the space age toothbrushes vibrated. Even funnier is that later that night she asked my father if he knew (as he has one as well.) He was also clueless.
But the funniest moment of all was when I pointed out the buttons and gave them a demonstration of how it worked.
I am so glad they are so exited about new dental technology. And I am also thrilled I can assit them into this new age of vibrating tooth brushes.
Oh Beautiful Chaos
It seems like everyone showed up all at once. The program for the day called for all the Tamale makers to show up at 10:30 am for the assembly and steaming of tamales for this evening’s festivities. My family has never been very good about time and it was nearly noon before the assembly line got underway. An hour and half and 50 pounds of Maza later we have over 300 tamales ready for steaming.
All of my Aunts are here. Not to mention most of my cousins and many of my uncles. There are three dogs and many many friends.
Kids are running around screaming, a dog is barking, the din of laughter and “catching up” noises is nearly deafening. Everyone is eating, drinking and having a wonderful time.
I love these family gatherings…
They are not so different really from Samoan family gatherings.
I am feeling very “At Home”.
I hope you are as well.
Who needs words....
I know I haven’t written anything in a few days…
So how about a few pictures instead.
Walk, girl and dog, home city
It is a beautiful San Francisco morning. The Mission is alive and awake and brilliant in the sun. The sun which I am coming to perceive as the burning ball of heat (as opposed to hate). My thin pacific blood is still not adjusted to the cold northern California weather, and the warmth from the sun feels amazing on my face.
It was late morning by the time I got out of bed and ventured forth with Cobain for a morning walk and hunt for coffee. On the way out Max asked me to pick up some fruit since there was none in the house (and I wouldn't want to risk getting scurvy now, would I.) So Dorie and Dog headed first to Valencia Joe's. Cobain and I are getting used to walking each other. I never had to walk Mia so remembering all the training and non verbal communication that goes on between dog and guardian is always... challenging for me. I just let my girl (Mia) run wild, with this boy dog (Cobin) I have to be much more on top of what is going on. At Valencia Joe's I fasten up Cobain outside and with a kiss I tell him to be a good boy, while I go in and get a cup of coffee. He is perfect and obeys. After I procure cup of coffee number one, we head back towards mission to the little corner store that carries fun produce. All the way there Cobain acts like the super star he is. It is his neighborhood and he seems to have an appropriate following. The little Indian man at the corner says hello, mostly to Cobain I think. I give him a warm smile and hello as well. Cobain sniffs his crotch in greeting. The old man giggles. Two homeless gentlemen sitting on the sidewalk greet Cobain and pet him adoringly. I wish them a good morning. Cobain again goes right for the crotch sniff. We walk on down 19th street together proudly, girl and dog. Any good dog person can see we are quite obviously falling in love with each other.
Several Mexican men are standing outside our corner market when we arrive. I fasten up Cobain in the middle of their gathering. They don't seem to mind at all. They offer me warm smiles and Cobain angles himself to be pet and adored (and get in a few good crotch sniffs of course). I once again tell him to be good. I take the last of my coffee and go into the store to see what exotic fruit I can find. I find a mango, some bananas, two small ripe tomatoes and an avocado. I let the elderly woman buying just milk go ahead of me since I am in no hurry and she seems to be. Cobain is still holding court when I return to him on the sidewalk. He is happy to see me none the less and as I was just finished with my cup of coffee I toss the cup in the trash can and we head off for the Dance Cafe so I can get Cup #2. It's just up the street and the lady behind the counter is a georgous Indian woman who lets me bring Cobain in with me. She pours me more coffee and compliments my handsome and well behaved dog. We stand and preen together for a moment in her adoration. I compliment the Indian music she has playing, and she tells me about the musician. I remember how much I enjoy the cultural diversity of San Francisco. Cobain and I are done with our errands so we head home. As we stand at the light waiting to cross Mission street a garbage truck pulls up and the man in side gives us a "Have a happy Sunday" nod and motions for us to cross. Cobain does his adorable puppy prance across the street, and once we reach the other side he come back to my side to heel perfectly. He matches my stride. He is good dog.
It is true I am having trouble adjusting. I am scared about going back to school, and I am disappointed that now that I am home my best friend is going to run off on his great adventure (in about a month). But I DO love it here. Despite the cold, and the consumerism, and the hurry hurry way of life, this is indeed my home. And this is where I need to be.
Readjustment blues
I finally got around to fixing wackyfish. I was getting errors when I attempted to delete comments. Wackyfish had another bombardment of spam, and needed to be cleaned up. I still have not gotten around to installing anti-spam software… I just don’t want to spend the time. I am out of technology remember!
I am also thinking of moving this journal someplace and starting a new one… sort of as a way to designate the new phase in my life.
I also need to go back and re-size some of the photos I just posted… GAH I simply can’t be bothered. I have to much to do already. Too many people to see (Don’t get me wrong, I want to see people, I just don’t want to spend the time to do it.) I need to fill out paperwork for post PC stuff, and to get into the Maitri volunteer program, and I need to find a job, and spend as much time with Max as possible before he goes away. How did I get this busy and overwhelmed so quickly? I was going to take it slow… remember. Maybe it is time to start saying no….
GAH
I saw Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe last night with Kearla and Co… It was great to see everyone. That movie was an acceptable adaptation of a well loved book. And the public transit adventure was a lot of fun for me. I’m glad I went… and now that I just posted about having to many people to see… I am feeling a bit like an ass. Oh well… I’m sure I will get this all sorted out soon enough.
I slack... and then some
I have been meaning to write for a while but simply haven’t had the chance. Or maybe I have had, and simply lacked the motivation. But here are a few highlights from the last week, so that I don’t forget.
Sunday Mom, Dad, Deb and I went to a 49ers game. I have a cute story to write about mom literally stealing a baby from the couple next to us at breakfast before the game. Hopefully I’ll get around to writing it.
Sunday evening I headed to San Jose and Saw Darc, Karen and Mike. Which was neat. Monday Darc and I hung out and made a trip to Mountain View to see our favorite barista. Oh and I managed to register for classes Monday morning. I didn’t get a single class I needed in order to full fill pre-reqs, which blows. But I managed to get a yoga class, a Psychology class, a Sociology class, and a Communications class. All of which I would have needed to take eventually anyway. It’s 10 units and probably a better way to ease myself back into the school thing.
Tuesday I headed over to Stockton to see Nonnie, Mike and Anisley my goddess kid. She is neat, and a total pagan baby! YAY!
Wednesday I came home and Max and I went for sushi with a bunch of neat people I love, to celebrate Jasons birthday.
And now I am home and I have a ton of things to do. None of which I have any desire to do. And one of which is writing. Tonight I am going to a Christmas party with mom for her work. Tomorrow is LWW with Kearla and friends and Saturday is a Sharks game with Steven. So I have fun things in the works. Which of course help me put off all of those…. Adult things I should be doing.
